That nice person you just "met",
in a Usenet group,
Chat room or on Video Conferencing, may be as normal and sane as your best friend, but you
have no way of knowing this is the case. Use the same sort of caution you
would use if you had just met someone in a coffee shop or at a party; if anyone makes you
feel uncomfortable, leave. While you may have been taught that answering letters is always
required, e-mail does not need a reply, if you suspect the person sending it may cause you
trouble.
Now, some commonsense precautions:
Don't give your name, address, phone number or marital status out on the InterNet. Even if
the person you give it to is OK, there may be others who will use the information to make
your life miserable. Remember, anything you post on a newsgroup can not only be seen by
people currently reading the data, but will also be archived for future reference.
ICQ and IRC and even Video Conferencing "chats" may also be downloaded and
saved.
Posting on a support group in your real identity is another way of asking for problems.
One woman who posted to a support group for people with a life-threatening chronic disease
that is brought on by stress was hounded by a stalker who actually tried to harass her
into having an attack.
The safest way to post is to use a nom de `Net . . . an alias that says something about
you without giving anything away. Presenting yourself as "Ms Doe" who
lives in California is safe. Telling the world that you are a single 22-year-old
named Jane Doe who lives on Not to Bright Street in Who knows, California is just asking
for trouble.
Do not give out any information that makes it easy for a stalker to find you.
Stalkers are determined and crafty. They will hunt you down on DejaNews and other archive
sites, look you up in the sort of search engine that specializes in finding people and
check out your user profile to find clues.
The fact that these sites are readily available makes hiding almost impossible—but it
can be done. If you are married, use your maiden name on your ISP account. Have your
phone bills sent to a post office box, better yet, have your number unlisted. Never
mention the name of your town or street, where you work, or the college where you
graduated. If you plan to meet someone, do so in a public place and don't go alone.
If you will be attending a party or dinner, don't mention it until the event is
over. If you have a personal Website, don't get too personal. Don't leave
clues about your personal life, or put up photos that someone could interpret as being
"suggestive."
Most of all, if you are a woman, think before you act. Ask yourself, "Would I
hand my keys and purse to a total stranger?" If the answer is no,
then don't give your personal information to your so-called "friend" from the
chat room or from a reflector site.
Think about it: if that 13-year-old,
hormonally-challenged kid who calls himself stud-muffin and tells you he's a 38-year-old,
single, gorgeous, rich banker had a real life, why would he be hanging around chat rooms
or reflector sites? This is not to say you can't meet someone who really does turn
out to be the person they say they are, but the odds against it are pretty staggering.
If the worst has happened:
That nice person you told your life story to has turned on you and is publicly vowing to
make your life a living hell. What can you do?
First, you need to understand that there is a difference between annoying unsolicited
e-mail ("spam") and harassment. The mere fact that you are on the Web
makes you a target for spam—not answering is the only way of dealing with this
nuisance.
Harassment, however, is illegal in virtually every state of the US and all Provinces in
Canada, as well in most other countries. Harassment online is just as illegal as
harassment offline and it's just as frightening. To look up the laws of your state,
access: http://members.aol.com/lrfuzz1/StalkingLaws/StateLaws.html
Harassment/cyber-stalking is a methodical, deliberate and persistent communication that
disturbs or frightens the victim. Most laws state that harassment that continues
after you have requested it stop and that the perpetrator not contact you again, is
considered to be stalking. Prison terms can range from three years with a $10,000 fine
(the sentence in Illinois) to a maximum of 10 years (the sentence in Massachusetts). Your
local law enforcement agency can provide information regarding anti-stalking laws
in your state.
Harassment may include:
For other information on cyber-stalking a quick check on a search engine will provide you
with other sites that can help.
Remember, one of the cyber-stalkers goals is to make you feel isolated. In fact, you
have plenty of company and your first response should be to take advantage of the
resources you have.
Who is this Net-stalker?
He (the vast majority are men) is a predatorial misfit who uses the Internet to invade
other people's personal space as compensation for his own lack of a viable social life.
While there is no totally definite profile of a cyber-stalker, he or she is most
likely to be:
These people are generally lacking in viable
interpersonal relationships and exhibit instability by impulsive behaviors. They may
exhibit inappropriate anger or have difficulty controlling anger. They go from
feeling totally in control to thinking "everyone is against me," and blame this
confusion on their victim. This person may follow you from one area of the
Internet to another trying to gain your attention. He or she will often gather
information about you and post it on public forums, or accuse you of
"crimes" that no logical person would believe, in order to gain a response.
Without this response they cannot feel validated.
Obviously, giving a harasser what he or she wants will only create a bigger problem. The
first thing you must do is refuse to reply. Announcing in a group that you have kill-filed
your predator, sending them a post that has been CC'd to your and their Webmaster
requesting that the unwanted attention stop, then never again having anything to do with
the stalker is a must.
If the harassment does not stop, you will need to report the problem to your local law
enforcement and build a case to prove your circumstance.
Although your first impulse is to delete any threatening or hurtful messages, you must
save them. If you cannot bear to do so, forward them to someone who is willing to
help you. Consult the postmaster of your ISP if the harassment continues, they may
feel contacting the offender's ISP in an official capacity is wise.
The shareware program, Spam Hater (http://www.cix.co.uk/~net-services/spam/spam_hater.htm)
can also be of assistance here. It allows for custom messages that could easily
reference stalkers rather than spammers. The average person can't make much sense of
e-mail headers, but Spam Hater automatically performs a full traceroute and sends notices
to any or all (your choice) postmasters and abuse handlers at those sites. It has an
additional feature to allow users to post to Usenet without exposing their real address.
If the threats escalate, ask about a protection order (sometimes called a peace-bond or
restraining order) that will officially let the stalker know his actions and presence are
unwanted. Violation of this order may result in arrest.
Being stalked is terrifying, but there are ways to deal with it— don't let yourself
become a victim!